Annoying the Teen Titans
by The Astrology Nerd
Summary: All Gertrude wants is a chance to ruin every Titan's day, but she messes up each time. Really badly. No pairings, but you can safely blame Gertrude for that, too.
1. Ruining Robin's Day

A Series of Unsuccessful Attempts to Make Fun of the Teen Titans

By Angela Scarlett

Disclaimer: If I owned Teen Titans, why would I be writing fanfiction?

Chapter 1: Ruining Robin's Day

Robin entered the main room of Titans Tower rather cheerfully. It was only 5:30 in the morning, and everyone else was still asleep. Perfect timing. A mysterious young woman had been hiding in front of the couch, waiting for the opportune moment to totally screw up his day. Sure enough, as Robin reached down into the small refrigerator, she jumped out, or, rather, fell over the couch _trying_ to jump out. Robin screamed bloody murder anyway. "WHO ARE YOU?" he cried as the woman got to her feet.

"Pay no attention to the twenty-something college dropout trying to torment you anonymously!" The woman said as she hid back in her hiding place.

"Um, ok, but seriously, what is your name, and what are you doing here? You've put me in an unusually bad mood this morning." Robin asked again as he walked over and sat on the couch, stepping on the woman's toes on the way.

"Must you be so obsessive? Well, fine. You can call me Gertrude, and, well, I already told you why I'm here." The woman got up and sat next to him. "Gum?" She took a wad of bubble gum out of her mouth and offered it to him.

"Eh, no thanks. Wanna stay for a while?" Robin, slightly grossed out, declined the offer, but at least attempted to be polite to this strange, obnoxious girl.

"Nah, I got other people to torture down at Dr. Stefani's office in Steel City. But thanks anyway." She put the gum back in her mouth and blew a giant bubble. And, as she got up, she gave Robin a nice, friendly hug (and a small wedgie, just to be annoying), and finally left.

_So that's Chapter 1! If you don't like it, it's probably because I wrote it in, like, five minutes. All of this was made up off the top of my head (and my dog put in some input too…). Next I'll torment Brother Blood (since he's in Steel City and I wanted to torment each character in a different order). Leave feedback! Please! I love hearing other people's ideas! I'll update fast, I promise!_


	2. Annoying Brother Blood

Chapter 2: Brother Blood is Thankful He's on his Way to Therapy

_Author's Note: Instead of going from Titan to Titan to Titan, I decided to make my own pattern: Start with Robin, then go to Brother Blood, and then go to whoever needs to have their day ruined. Different, yes? Well, anyway, I got one review! Yay! And I promise, PoweroftheFrogs, that I **will **make future chapters longer. Chapter 1 is probably the shortest chapter I've written in my life. Seriously. Thank you for reviewing! Onto the story…_

Getting to Steel City was no problem for Gertrude, despite the fact that she had absolutely NO idea where she was going. It took about four hours (due to rush hour and the fact that Gertrude barely managed to pass her driving exam in high school), but she managed to pull into the cramped parking spot in front of the office of Dr. Melody Stefani without getting arrested, hitting someone, or going through yet another traffic light. Gertrude got out of her black Hummer, through the scratched-up door, and up the sticky concrete stairs to the waiting room. There, she saw the familiar demented face of Brother Blood. Gertrude decided to pay him a little visit.

"Hi, Blood." She walked over to him and sat next to him, occasionally running her finger across his robotic shoulder. Brother Blood did not reply.

"HELLO!" Gertrude was now leaning up against him, screaming in his ear.

Blood still did not reply. Instead, he sighed, stared at the clock, and thought to himself, _Please hurry up, Dr. Stefani. Your gal-pal over here is about to damage my circuitry… _

"ATTENTION BROTHER BLOOD: **YOU NEED TO REWIRE YOUR EARS SO YOU CAN HEAR ME! _WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME?_**" Gertrude was screaming so loudly at this point, Brother Blood couldn't stand to ignore her any longer. He was just about to scream back when Dr. Stefani came out into the room.

"Hey, Gerty. How many people are on your list to torment today? I see one already." She winked at Brother Blood, who groaned.

"Yeah, and the Teen Titans, too." Gertrude grinned. At the words "Teen Titans", Brother Blood seemed to perk up. "Have you tormented Cyborg yet?" He asked eagerly.

"No, not yet. I got Robin this morning." Gertrude blew another bubble, which then popped all over Brother Blood's face. He began to scratch it off with a sharp, metallic finger, but then scratched his own skin.

"Well, I'll get it later. So, Dr. Stefani, lead the way." Brother Blood was itching to get as far away from Gertrude as possible.

"Um, sure. See ya later, Gert. And tomorrow, can you fill in for one of my receptionists? I forgot to call you last night, but one of my secretaries is on jury duty this week, so…" Dr. Stefani opened the door to let Brother Blood into her office.

"Eh, sure, as long as I get donuts and you pay me. I'm still trying to pay off those cell phone bills I used to stalk Jude Law with. Anyway, See ya later, Mel. I have to go ruin another Titan's day." Gertrude got up and giggled to herself as she left the building.

_Heeheehee… that was fun to write. I'll probably post later chapters throughout the week, since my mom is using Microsoft Word to do her homework with. Ah, well. Hmm…I'm probably going to torture Beast Boy or Starfire next, I'm not sure. Probably BB, because I want to maintain a weird order. And no, Gertrude is not based off of me, nor is it my real name. It's a long story. Anyway, just another random note, I was originally going to use Melody Stefani as my main character for this story, but as I wrote Chapter 1, I had no idea what I was doing, thus resulting in the creation of Gertrude. Oh, well. I better start coming up with Chapter 3…_

_Oh, yeah. I know this chapter's kinda short, too, but hey, short chapters more chapters!_


	3. BBGertrude: Tru Luv 4Eva 1

Chapter 3: Beast Boy Meets Gertrude… and Regrets It

_Yep, I've finally updated. I hate writer's block. Sorry for the delay, but rest assured, I'll update continually. On with the torture of Beast Boy, then._

* * *

Gertrude, feeling rather content now that she's getting a job for a week, drove back to Jump City in search of more prey. In this case, Beast Boy. She had been planning something special for him.

The door to the tower was, to her surprise, wide open. Good, she thought. She ran through the hallway and up the stairs, looking for Beast Boy's room. It wasn't hard to find, since the smell of dirty gym socks was a dead giveaway. Gertrude actually liked that smell, so she immediately located the source and hid underneath his covers. For no reason at all. She lied there for about twenty minutes until-

"AAAAAAAAAAHH! DUDE! WHY ARE YOU IN MY BED! THAT'S MY BED!" Beast Boy let out a huge girlish scream. He pulled Gertrude, half-asleep at this point, out from under the covers and accidentally hurled her at the wall. She imitated his girlish scream as she got up again.

"Beast Boy, is there a problem? I heard you scream!" Robin's voice was heard just outside the door. Thinking quickly, Gertrude shoved BB in the closet and said, "Um, no, there's no problem here. Just some…spiders on my pillow, I guess." Gertrude's impression of BB was somewhat off, but it was hard for even someone like Robin to tell the difference. Sure enough, Robin had no clue. "All right, then." The sound of his footsteps gradually began to fade away as Robin headed towards his room.

Gertrude pulled Beast Boy out of the closet and let him fall to the floor. He looked at her as if she was insane (and for once, he was actually right), and stood back up. "Um, what was that for?" he asked, wondering why the heck some twenty-something girl would sleep in his bed and shove him in a closet. Gertrude smiled. "No reason."

"O…k…. what's your name, anyway? I'm Beast Boy." He took out his hand. Gertrude's smile grew a bit wider. "I'm Gertrude, but you can call me smitten." She grabbed him by the shoulders and proceeded to put him in a tight liplock, just so that he wouldn't ask any more stupid questions. Beast Boy pushed away and blushed heavily. "Um…"

"Um…what?" Gertrude asked.

"Why did you just kiss me?"

"Because you're annoying."

"Are you insane or something?"

"Define 'insane.'"

A vein pulsed in Beast Boy's head. _This girl has some major issues. Does she even have any friends? _He thought to himself. Instead, he asked, "Wait- you think _I'm_ annoying?"

"Most people do." Gertrude winked. "Wanna kiss again?"

"Erm…"

Beast Boy ran out his room, screaming louder than he did the first time. "THERE'S A GIRL IN MY ROOM THAT TRIED TO KISS ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUGGHH!"

Gertrude thought quickly. "Time to go." She ran the other direction, down the stairs, and out the tower before anything could detect her presence. She got into her Hummer, drove out of Jump City, and back home. As she drove, she took out her list of people to torment. "Robin, check, Brother Blood, check, Beast Boy, lotses of checks!" She drew hearts all around Beast Boy's name, then looked to see who was next.

"Ah, yes, I get to torment Galfore! Now how do I get to Tamaran?" Gertrude ran inside her house and began searching on the Internet for a spaceship.

_

* * *

_

_Yeah, another weird chapter. Well, actually, my whole story IS weird. Never mind. So in Chapter 4, Gertrude goes to Tamaran! Oh, great…this'll be very weird. How much of Gertrude's random antics can the Tamaraneans stand before they kill her? You'll see…_


	4. Galfore's New Bumgorf?

Chapter 4: Galfore's New Bumgorf…?

_ A/N: I've only been awake for about six hours…tired…I think I'm going to plan on attacking all of the characters from TT, but not all of them will be done individually. If I did, I'd have over 100 chapters. OO So that means I'll attack, say, the Brotherhood of Evil all at once. You get it, right? Right. _

_ Nov. 12th: And to Vandagirl, I don't know how many Cy/Rae fics I've read, because I usually just try to search for some and that takes about an eternity on my stupid computer. And as for the whole paragraph spacing thing, blame the crappy computer for that too. Your real name is Angela? Cool. Mine's Allison. But SHHHH! I didn't tell you that!_

_ And to everyone else: I had originally written this chapter two weeks ago, but I never got around to finishing it. I apologize. Please slap me in the face. BUT NO FLAMING, GOT IT!_

Gertrude, with an evil grin on her face, hopped into her brand-new, one-man spaceship and flew off to Tamaran at full speed. _This'll be fun,_ she thought to herself and giggled.

She landed on the dry, smooth pink Tamaranean surface and tried to get herself out of her ship. She fell out and landed headfirst as soon as she got her door open. "Ow…"

"Welcome, young foreigner. I am Galfore, the Grand Ruler of Tamaran." A deep, booming voice said from behind her. Gertrude got up and faced the voice. "Indeed you are," she said, eyeing the colossal man carefully. He wore a sleek, curved M-shaped crown on top of his enormous head. _Yep, that's definitely Galfore,_ Gertrude thought. She followed him into the Tamaranean palace.

"…And that's how I became the Grand Ruler." Galfore finished as Gertrude began to snore loudly. They were in the dining hall, waiting to be served. Finally, several servants entered and set large plates of large, soggy Tamaranean delicacies on each side of the table. Galfore immediately jumped on the table and began to devour the spicy, exotic food on his end.

"Guest, please. Hurry and eat, because if you don't, I will!" Galfore said with wads of food in his mouth.

Gertrude was utterly disgusted. "You honestly expect me to eat this? I don't even know what it is! Rotten lemons? Because that's what it smells like!" She gagged.

"What are these lemons of which you speak?" Galfore asked, mid-chew.

"Never mind." Gertrude's eye twitched. Reluctantly, she stood up on the table and took a deep breath. _Just devour it like he does. It'll be over in a second. The longer you stand here, the less time you have to go back and make out with Beast Boy. _With this thought in her mind, she giggled to herself and chowed down. And surprisingly, she loved it. "What IS this stuff, anyway? I'd love to make this at home. Or make Starfire cook it for me. Whichever." She smiled at Galfore. He returned it. "This is the body of a Rorfian Zothgar. It was killed just before you arrived. A common Tamaranean dish. Anyone can make it."

"Erm, we don't have Rorfian Mothballs or whatever it's called on Earth. Can I take some with me?" Gertrude asked.

"We usually do not allow foreigners to take Tamaranean food from our planet. If you want it, you must become a citizen. Alternatively, you can simply be my bumgorf. I miss Starfire so much; I need a child to take care of. I think you're that child." He looked hopeful and gently (and by gently, it means that he was unintentionally pounding) patted her shoulder. She looked at him with annoyance. "I'm not a child, sir, I'm 23."

"23? As in 23 filutorfs? That would mean you are younger than Starfire. I believe on Earth that means you are only 12 years-," A very confused Galfore said.

"_NO, 23 YEARS OLD! **TWENTY-THREE**! I AM AN ADULT! GAH! YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN JUST FORGET THE MOTHBALLS! I'M GOING HOME!_" Gertrude burst through the dining hall doors and out of Galfore's sight. Galfore sat back down and quietly took a sip from his remarkably heavy wine goblet, wondering what he had done wrong to offend Gertrude. _Ah, well. At least I have the Rorfian Zothgars to myself_, he thought.

Gertrude, on the other hand, sulked as she unsuccessfully tried to jump into her ship (literally, since she's such an idiot). Then she proceeded to slam the door on her head (resulting in a rather nasty concussion). And finally, she somehow managed to get her key shoved up her fingernail (OUCH!).

At long last, after she got her key out from underneath her nail, she finally managed to get her ship moving. During her ride, she flipped through her notebook and checked off Galfore's name. Wishing for someone easier to torment, she peered down at her list to see who was next.

"Más Y Menos! Why did I put them NE-EXT?" She whined. "Great. Now I have to learn how to speak fluent Spanish in three hours. Where's my dictionary!" She pushed the autopilot button and rolled over to the back of her ship, in hopes of finding a Spanish-to-English dictionary.

Two hours later, she managed to find one wedged between her butt and the cushion. "Ugh, now I only have an hour until I get to Steel City¿Por qué tengo que aprender en una hora? Soy muy estúpido." She began to flip through the book frantically. This could get ugly.

* * *

Translation: Why do I have to learn in an hour? I'm very stupid.

_ Wow, I think my writer's block is gone. I needed to write. I have so many things to update all over the Internet. So, in Chapter 5, Gertrude pays the Spanish twins a visit. So much for going to Tamaran. But hey, that was her idea (or, rather, MY idea). Besides, she's not exactly what you would consider a genius. Heh. But she's fabulous, right? OK, maybe not fabulous per se, but still…_

_ Keep a look out for my newest fanfic, the Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror XVII! It's MY turn to write creepy Halloween stories for once! Mwahahahahaahahahahaha! _


	5. Etapa Cinco

Chapter 5: ¿Es la chica se llama Gertrude loca?

Disclaimer: Aside from the fact that I do not own Warner Bros., DC Comics, Cartoon Network, Toonami, Kids WB, Miguzi, and Teen Titans, I also do not own the Spanish language. Spanish isn't even my first language anyway! Mas Y Menos are not mine either. However, Gertrude IS MINE! My name is branded onto her butt so nobody can take her. SHE'S MINE! And besides, why would YOU want someone like HER::is confused: I also do not own any mass media corporation, any shares on the stock market, and fortunately, I do not own the federal government. So pretty much I got nothing, you paranoid copyright lawyers!

Note: I am too lazy to do translations, but it's easy stuff. I think you can figure it out. And if you can't, you can go to Altavista dot com and there you can translate it yourself.

Another Note: If my Spanish is a little off, it's because my vocabulary isn't that big. Sorry. And I know Mas has an accent, but since I'll be writing it so many times, I simply can't take the time to add in every single mark.

Gertrude crashed onto the roof of Titans East's tower and fell out of the shattered windshield, covered in minor bumps and scratches. "Ow. I've got minor bumps and scratches." She wailed, stating the obvious.

Inside the tower, Mas Y Menos were playing their GameStation 2 all alone while Bumblebee, Speedy, and Aqualad were out at a party that Mas Y Menos weren't old enough to attend. Mas heard Gertrude crash and immediately paused the game. Menos was annoyed. "¿Qué? ¿Estás loco?"

Mas frowned, hushing Menos. "Oigo una chica. Vamos." The two of them ran up to the roof, where Gertrude was sitting, digging out her bilingual dictionary that had taken her two hours to find the first time. At last, she finally found it between two very sharp pieces of glass. She maniacally began flipping through it when Menos interrupted. "Hola, bienvenidos a la casa de Titans East. Somos Mas," He pointed to Mas. "y Menos." Menos pointed to himself.

Gertrude, trying to impress the little Spanish-speakers, spoke loudly and slowly. **Very** loudly. **Very** slowly. "Hole-a, me laa-mo Gertrude. Ess-toy moy alee-gray quay you-steed-ies is-TAN a-quee."

At first Mas y Menos were confused. "¿Qué? Está ella estúpida?" Gertrude decided that maybe Spanish wasn't her strong suit. In English, she replied, "A-ya? My name is Gertrude, not Aya."

That was enough for the twin speedsters. They decided that perhaps they should change the subject. "Nosotros vamos a jugar al GameStation 2. ¿Quieres venir?" They began to bounce up and down excitedly, as if they were begging Gertrude to play with them like an adult with a group of children. Gertrude didn't know how to respond, so she simply said, "GameStation 2? YAY! CAN I PLAY!"

Mas y Menos sweatdropped. "Nos encantaría." The three of them went back down into the tower and played the GameStation 2 for three straight hours.

It would have been a lot nicer for Gertrude if Speedy, Bumblebee, and Aqualad hadn't showed up. For one thing, Gertrude was a guest of Mas y Menos, thank you very much, and she had no intention of causing any architectural, environmental, or property damage with her spaceship.

"I am a guest of Mas y Menos, thank you very much, and I had no intention of causing any architectural, environmental, or property damage with my spaceship, and I'm sorry for that. If you're going to sue someone, sue my parents. THEY HAVE MONEY." Gertrude snapped, after Bumblebee went through her angry, jerk-leader-unwanted-visitor rant and pinned Gertrude to the floor with her stingers.

"Sorry, sweetie, but aren't you a little old to be depending on your parents? You're about thirty, right? Thirty? Thirty-five? _Forty_?" Speedy asked, trying to guess her age. Obviously, he wasn't trying hard enough, as Gertrude got up and broke his jaw. He immediately dropped to the floor, blood spewing from his mouth.

"Señorita Gertrude tiene veinte y tres años." Menos piped up as he continued to battle Mas at video games.

"Er, what they said." Aqualad shrugged as Bumblebee turned to him for a possible explanation. She sighed as Gertrude casually walked to the door.

"If you need me, Titans East, I will be spending the week at Dr. Melody Stefani's office a few blocks from here. I'm the one in the receptionist's chair, swiveling back and forth while I chew gum and blow bubbles on the glass window at the check-in counter." Gertrude called out as she went down the stairs. "ADD-I-OSS, MAHS EE MEN-OSS!"

The Titans East were quiet for a while until Aqualad spoke up. "Shouldn't we have gone after her?"

Bumblebee shook her head. "She did tell us where she was going to be. And she was pretty specific too, which was kinda odd."

"Are you sure she's telling the truth? People don't normally talk like that." Speedy mumbled as best he could with his broken jaw.

"I'm sure, Speedy. Now as for you, we need to get you to a doctor as soon as possible." Bumblebee lifted him by the shoulders and set him down on the couch.

"Can we see Dr. Stefani? We could kill two birds with one stone." Speedy asked, eager to get revenge on Gertrude.

"Speedy, Dr. Stefani is a therapist. A MENTAL therapist. Not a doctor." Aqualad's vein pulsed.

Speedy sweatdropped and began flipping through a magazine. "Ow, my mouth hurts."

"_THEN SHUT UP, SPEEDY!_" was the reply from both Bumblebee and Aqualad. Bumblebee put a mouth guard in Speedy's mouth and called the doctor. Aqualad, however, merely dived into the pool below, ignoring his surroundings.

Later, at Dr. Stefani's office-

"_OK, Melody, I'm back! Now where are my donuts?"_

I can't believe I've totally butchered my Spanish. Oh well. My teacher would freak out if she saw this, but I guess it's a good thing that teachers don't read fanfiction.

OK, here's the deal: The next few chapters will take place in Dr. Stefani's office, so instead of Gertrude looking for someone, she'll stay put and harass anyone that comes by. Do not be alarmed if I do not update in less than a month, for I am lazy and busy trying to conquer the Internet! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! But wait- you didn't hear that from ME!

Hasta luego, mis amigos,

Angela Scarlett


	6. Donuts, Mumbo, Stalkers

Chapter 6: Donuts and Mumbo (and Everyone Wants Angela for Some Reason)

Disclaimer: Hi! Guess what! I don't own anything in this story except Melody and Gertrude and Donuts 'n Mocha (you will see a ton of self-promotion, but hey, they're a hit.) and my spiffy new Dell LAPTOP! Yes, I got a laptop for Christmas. But by the time I get Internet on this thing, this chapter will be kinda late. Sorry…

I would like to offer my sincere apologies to Queen of Duct Tape and everyone else I put in here (you'll see…) and the owners of their respective characters that I'm going to add into the next few chapters. However, if you're a copyright lawyer and you're reading this, well, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON A FANFICTION SITE ANYWAY? Shouldn't you be tracking down those hackers that keep getting their hands on illegally downloaded mp3 files? Huh? Huh! Shouldn't you?

For the record, I have never actually been to Scotland. I have never left the U.S. (But I want to.)

On another note, today's Miserable Titan Character is none other than Mumbo, a.k.a. The Great Bluedini! Let the show begin!

* * *

"Gertrude! Yay! You actually kept your promise this time!" Melody was squealing like a sugar-high fangirl at a live taping of the O.C. (Or whatever.) She opened the door to the receptionist's desk and ripped open the brand new box of Donuts 'n Mocha donuts. Gertrude was thrilled. "Donuts 'n Mocha donuts! Wow. How did you manage to get donuts from that Scarlett chick in Scotland? Ordered them online, you must have."

"Um, no, Yoda, I didn't order them online. Angela came back to Jump City a few weeks ago. She just graduated. Donuts 'n Mocha was so successful in Europe that she had to move back here to keep business moving. And because Cyborg kept trying to stalk her online." Melody stifled a giggle at the last sentence.

"Oh, come on, I know you're jealous about that. You like Cyb-"

"**_I DO NOT!"_** Melody blushed heavily.

"Melody and Cyborg, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes-"

"_Mumbo, the Great Bluedini, has arrived!"_ A voice announced at the front door. Immediately Melody sprinted out the door and greeted the teal-skinned magician in the waiting room.

"H-Hi, Mumbo. I'll be ready in a few minutes, so why don't you CHECK IN and let my RECEPTIONIST get you squared away. OK?" She shot Gertrude a glare and dashed down to her office. Mumbo sauntered over to Gertrude's desk and took out his checkbook.

"Do I need to pay before or after the appointme- HEY! Are those from Donuts 'n Mocha? Those are the best donuts in Europe! How did you manage to get them?" Mumbo asked, hoping to snag one from Gertrude's sticky, sprinkle-covered fingers.

Gertrude did not reply.

"I asked you a question." Mumbo snapped.

Gertrude did not reply.

"Can I have one?" he asked.

Gertrude still did not reply.

"May I please have one?" Mumbo pleaded.

Gertrude _still_ did not reply.

"All right, you leave me no choice. Alaka-ZAM!" Mumbo took out his wand and shot red demon-bunnies (a la Bunny Raven, but in this case, Bunny Trigon) at the glass window.

Gertrude didn't even bother to reply. She was too busy trying to finish her 22nd chocolate-filled donut with 35 more sprinkles.

"Dr. Stefani will see you now, Mumbo." The nurse had just opened the door to the hallway leading to Melody's office.

"Oh, thank you very much. But first, flowers for the (cough)_ lady_ at the front desk." Mumbo tossed a small bouquet at the glass window where the demon-bunnies had crashed and died on impact. The bouquet squirted water all over the panel. Gertrude looked over and blew an enormous raspberry at the Great Bluedini, who had just entered Melody's office.

A few hours later, a group of giggly teenagers made their way over to Gertrude's desk. "Hi, um, is this where we can find Angela Scarlett? We're friends of hers from, uh, Scotland and we were wondering if…"

Gertrude's eyes widened. "YOU KNOW ANGELA SCARLETT? COOL! DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES!"

The kids stared at her. "No…"

"That's why we're asking you." One of the younger kids said.

"Well, I don't know, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you because I don't think she would want a bunch of people stalking her all day today." Gertrude snapped as she took out a pink highlighter and furiously began to unfold a road map of the Jump City/Steel City area.

At that moment, another girl came in, wearing a roll of duct tape on her head. "Um, am I in the right place? Angela said she was going to be at Dr. Stefani's office this morning and she wanted me to meet her at the pizza place…?"

Gertrude sighed. "I think she meant the Jump City office." Realizing what she had just said, she quickly sputtered, "N-no, that's not what I meant, uh, she probably meant the, uh, Mumbo City area! Yeah! Go look over there! Where…ever that is…" Mumbo being the first thing that popped into her head, she quickly tried to amend the situation by saying, "Oops, did I say Mumbo? Sorry, I meant, uh…"

But it didn't matter. The duct-tape-clad girl had already made her way out the door. "Hey, Queen of Duct Tape, wait for us too! We're your friends too, you know!" The younger girl that had spoken earlier cried out.

Gertrude didn't want to let the other kids escape, so she quickly ran out to the waiting room and jumped in front of them. "No, I can't let you guys get out, too. I've already let it slip. Can't let more stalkers get away. Speaking of stalkers…" Gertrude then burst out the door, locked it from the outside, and followed the Queen of Duct Tape.

The kids were confused. Dr. Stefani's office door was locked, the main door was locked, and the nurse's shift was over. They were alone in the waiting room.

"Hey Horhay, did SUPERHORHAY give you anything else besides that spiffy cape?" The younger girl asked the older girl beside her.

"No, I actually haven't seen SUPERHORHAY lately, so all I have is my spiffy cape. Which is sad, but I like it!" Horhay Applesand Bonono replied.

"Oh. Oh well." The younger girl said.

"Hey Shippy, wanna sneak some donuts?" asked a girl with a broadsword in her hand.

Shippy (the younger girl) grinned. "You bet, Kay. Twinny, come on!" She motioned toward another girl in the corner.

Kay and Twinny followed Shippy back into Gertrude's area and took the box out. "Ooh, Shippy, look, there's some mocha here too! There's like, five of them! And they're unopened!" Twinny shrieked.

"Um, not anymore…" Kay whimpered. Her broadsword had punctured the lid of one of the mochas and now it was leaking a little.

"Heehee, Kay, I guess you're right." Twinny laughed as she took a sip of an unopened mocha. Shippy was digging through the drawers for some tape to repair Kay's busted mocha lid. "Found some!"

"Toss it here, Ship!" Kay dropped her broadsword on the floor.

"Erm, ok, Kay! Here it comes!" Shippy tossed the tape… a little too far. The tape dispenser went flying through the glass panel out to the waiting room and hit one of the boys in the head.

"Oops! Sorry Noodles! Are you OK?" Twinny ran out into the waiting room to help her injured friend.

Noodles moaned. "Ouch, Ship, that hurt." He whined in his British accent.

"Here, Noodly, take my spiffy cape and wrap it around your head. It might make you feel better." Horhay took her spiffy cape off and tossed it onto Noodles's head. Twinny tied it around his neck and wrapped his head with it. Noodles now resembled something related to a mummy. "Twinny, please get this off my head. It doesn't hurt that bad."

Shippy and Kay came out of Gertrude's area, carrying a large box of donuts and a few more mochas, along with Kay's broadsword and her busted beverage. "Let's try to finish this before that psycho comes back." Another boy, Devilin, suggested. "Hmm, what should we do first?"

A Filipino girl turned around. "Are you talking to me?"

"No, not you, Hmm, he was just SAYING 'hmm.'" Noodles snapped at her.

Hmm frowned. "Well, I was just asking. Kay, can you hand me a donut?" Kay tossed her one. "Thanks." Hmm grinned.

Hmm's sisters, Raine and Lady Goat, took two of the mochas out of Shippy's hands. "Nobody else claimed them, right?" Raine asked. Shippy looked around and shook her head. Raine slurped up her mocha happily.

Dementor, Brown Dog, Rutu, Kelebek, Dutchie, Nashi, Scurvy, Lilyfae, Padma, Kool Kat, Small, Turtle, Loony, Drooly, Joanna Potter, Moody Joe, and Robbie, the rest of the kids, were all playing hide-and-seek when Mumbo had just left Dr. Stefani's office. "What are you kids doing out here? Do you have an appointment?"

Brown Dog screamed. "WHO ARE YOU!"

"Why, you don't know who I am? I am Mumbo the Magnificent! I used to be a criminal, but now that the warden is making me go to therapy, I'm a happy stage magician with no intent of criminal mischief! What about you?"

Brown Dog didn't know what to say. "Um, do you know Angela Scarlett? She's lurking around this area nowadays…"

Mumbo nodded. "Ah, yes, the girl that makes the best donuts in Europe. I know her. She threatened to sic the Titans on me once, but we ended up having a nice conversation about hecklers. You know, those rude people in the audience that shouts unnecessary and often stupid things out to the people on stage?" Mumbo explained to a very confused Brown Dog. "Oh. Well, kid, that's showbiz. You always have hecklers in an otherwise wonderful audience." Mumbo sweatdropped.

As everyone made their way out to the now-crowded waiting room, Dr. Stefani came over to heckle Gertrude (no reason), only to discover-

"WHERE DID SHE GO!" A vein in Melody's head pulsed. Angrily, she dialed Gertrude's cell phone number.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Jump City pizza place, Gertrude was getting closer to Angela, and closer, and closer…

THWACK! Someone tossed an old newspaper onto her head.

"_Don't wanna be an American idiot! One nation controlled by the media…"_ Her tacky ringtone began playing. Really loud. "Oh, crap." She muttered. She was almost out of the bushes when she and the Queen of Duct Tape made eye contact. Busted.

"Hey, don't tell Angela I'm here. Like last time…" Gertrude hissed as she dashed down the stairs, into the pizza place, and into the women's restroom.

It was full.

"OK, I gotta go." She escaped the long line in the bathroom and fleed to her Hummer.

Which now has a ticket on it.

"_WHAT THE KLORBAG DID I GREMPLORK DO!"_ Gertrude yelled as she read the ticket. It turns out that she violated the parking rules. "Whatever."

"…_hysteria. It's calling out to idiot America!"_ Her cell phone began ringing again. Irritated, she answered it.

"Welcome to the Funny Farm! How may I direct your call?"

Melody's voice began to scream. "_WHERE ARE YOU! YOU'VE LEFT WITHOUT TELLING ME, **AND** YOU'VE LOCKED A BUNCH OF KIDS UP THAT SHOULDN'T HAVE EVEN BEEN HERE, though they told me about their situation and I've already taken care of it. **YOU BETTER GET BACK HERE IN THE NEXT HOUR OR ELSE I'M FIRING YOU, GOT IT!"**_ Then there was a click. Melody had hung up.

Gertrude panicked. "No! I don't want to lose my job! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" She bawled all the way back to Steel City.

* * *

Gertrude's busted, y'all! Wow… that was a huge chapter. Anyway, I'm sorry if I didn't include some people (and I know I didn't), but it was because I either A) couldn't find a good nickname for you (like Ravenclaw4life, I couldn't think of anything I could use) or B) couldn't remember (I don't have Internet yet, as of this typing). I wanted to squeeze in as many people as I could. As for my self-promotion, well, it's not like I'm the ruler of the world or anything, I just wanted to add in Donuts 'n Mocha™ and make it fit somehow. Sorry if for some reason I offend you for using something not TT. But nyah. It's my story.

Angela Scarlett (The one that shall conquer the Internet!)


	7. Friends Don't Kill Each Other's Hair

Melody Becomes a Homicidal Hairslayer

* * *

Gertrude slowly opened the door to the office, hoping that Melody wouldn't be standing right in front of her face. Which she was. This was not Gertrude's day. 

"Good news. You made it with about fourteen seconds left to spare." Melody stretched her smile. This was bad.

"Yeeeeeeah… you know you're creeping me out with that I'm-only-smiling-because-I'm-in-denial-or-you-just-did-something-incredibly-stupid-and-you-just-got-busted-for-it look on your face." Gertrude winced.

"How could you tell?" Melody cracked her knuckles.

"Uh… your I'm-only-smiling-because-I'm-in-denial-or-you-just-did-something-incredibly-stupid-and-you-just-got-busted-for-it look?"

"**YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME! YOU SCREWED UP MY SCHEDULE SO I COULD GO FIND YOU!** I WAS SUPPOSED TO FILE A PRESCRIPTION FOR THAT GOTH BOY AND YOU MADE ME LOSE THAT SHEET! And to think I could have married Don Hoffman and auditioned for American Idol…" Melody began muttering to herself.

"Hey Mel?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever know a guy named Don Hoffman anyway?"

"Uh… no…"

"OK…" Gertrude took a few steps backward.

"No. Gertrude, get back here. When I'm through with you, I'm going to give you the most savage beating I can legally-" Melody grabbed Gertrude by the collar and was just about to punch her in the face when-

"Uh, this IS Dr. Stefani's office, isn't it?" A big booming voice asked from behind the shaking Gertrude.

"Cy-Cyborg! H-hi! I-I'll be right with you. I have some business to take care of with my uh, janitor…" Melody smiled weakly.

"She's your janitor? She's much too pretty to be your janitor. Hey wait a minute, aren't you the daughter of…" Cyborg looked over at Gertrude, hoping to make the situation less awkward.

"PRETTY! You think she's too PRETTY to be MY JANITOR?" Melody glared with fire in her eyes.

"Well, maybe I should just, uh, come back… uh, later? Bye, then." Cyborg sprinted out the door and drove the T-Car into the sunset.

"Way to go, DOCTOR. You acted so insane, you made me look normal. You deserve a prize. How about a donut?" Gertrude grinned.

"How about you just go f---"

"MELODY! You can't say that! You're in a T-rated story! The people are going to bleep you out for using such language! And from a lady, too! Shameful! Despicable! How do the censors sleep at night…" Gertrude began scolding Melody with as much sarcasm her five working brain cells could deliver.

"…That's not what I was going to say. I was GOING to say that you can just go find yourself your own cute little donut BACK IN THE RECEPTIONIST'S CHAIR!" Melody shoved Gertrude back in the reception area.

"Mmm, more for me." Gertrude got up from the floor and began searching through the sticky cabinets looking for the donuts she left behind.

"Donuts? No donuts? Oh noes! My babies are goooooooone!" she began screaming hysterically as she discovers the sugary goodness had disappeared.

"GET BACK TO WORK, SLACKER!" Melody shouted from her private office.

But it was useless. Gertrude had begun to cry. Rather loudly.

"Just shut up… please…" Melody silently prayed.

Gertrude cried harder.

"Pleeeeeeeeeease…" Melody whined.

And harder.

"FOR THE LOVE OF PROZAC SHUT THIS GIRL UP!"

At this point Gertrude had begun to throw a fit. The glass on the window was about to crack. She began pounding her fists on the concrete desk.

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT, GERTRUDE! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" Melody took out a knife she swiped after Slade's appointment a few weeks back. Making sure the coast was clear, even though the building was empty besides her and Gertrude, she tiptoed her way to her emo employee's desk…

"MELODY! WHAT'S WITH THE KNIFE!" Gertrude shrieked as Melody made her move. Frantically she ran around the room like an idiot, panicking. "MY BEST FRIEND HAS A KNIFE! MY BEST FRIEND HAS A KNIFE! Hey, look, a nickel. MY BEST FRIEND HAS A KNIFE! MY BEST FRIEND HAS A KNIFE! MY BEST FRIEND HAS A KNIFE! Hey, this nickel's from 1989. MY BEST FRIEND HAS A KNIFE! It's got gum on it. MY BEST FRIEND HAS A KNI- Hey, wait, this is my gum!" Gertrude peeled the gum off the coin and began chewing it. "Ew, it's stale." She tossed it in the trash.

"Are you done yet, you moron? Let me just kill you now." Melody took the knife and thrust it at Gertrude's throat. It got stuck in her hair.

"**MY HAIR DIED**!" Gertrude began to bawl.

Melody didn't care. "I guess I'll have to do this the hard way." She went over to the desk and began to dial a number on the phone. "Hello, is this Titans Tower? I've got a little situation here. Can you get here as soon as you can? Thank you."

About 20 minutes later, Cyborg and the rest of the Titans arrived. Robin ran into the office first. "We heard there was trou- HEY!" He pointed a finger at Gertrude. "I remember you! What are you doing?"

"Crying and pleading for mercy" was Gertrude's weak reply.

Beast Boy came in next. "HEY! YOU'RE THAT GIRL WHO-"

"Shut up!" Gertrude hissed.

"Girl who what, BB?" asked Cyborg from the other side of the window.

"Kissed me and shoved me in my closet." Beast Boy pointed a finger at Gertrude.

"**_WHY IS EVERYONE POINTING AT ME!_** I can't see!" Gertrude snapped.

"Riiiiiiight." Raven muttered from the other side of the room.

"OK… uh… so what's the problem here?" Robin asked, trying hard to change the subject.

"Well, Miss Gertrude here was-" Melody began.

"…trying to escape from being killed by Dr. Psycho Hairslayer. _SHE KILLED MY HAIR_!" Gertrude screamed.

"How does one kill the hair?" Starfire asked, confused.

"I see what you mean, uh, Gertrude. You mean she was trying to stab you and she ended up getting the knife stuck in your hair?" Robin said.

"Yes!" Gertrude squeaked, rubbing her puffy eyes.

"Wait a sec. This looks like one of Slade's knives!" Cyborg gasped as he attempted to pull the knife out of Gertrude's hair.

**_"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!"_** she yelled.

"Ok, ok, stay still, ok, hold on, ok?" Cyborg hastily tried to get her hair untangled from the knife. It didn't do much.

"Great. Now I have a stupid knife stuck in my hair." Gertrude pouted.

"Well, all we can do now is arrest you, Dr. Stefani, for attempted murder. Nothing personal, just law enforcement. C'mon, let's go." Robin escorted an irritated Melody out of the office. "You'd do the same thing if you knew her," she said. "She deserved it."

"Believe me; Beast Boy's been pretty homicidal lately. He's been annihilating spiders that've been running around for the past few weeks. Probably since that day your friend came over." Robin nodded as he led Melody to the nearby Steel City Prison. "You shouldn't have to spend more than a few years here. Don't worry, we understand how you feel." he said as Melody entered an empty cell. "OK. Bye."

Melody sat on the flat bed, frustrated. _I HAD to be her only friend. Good God, why, why, why is she my friend? Well, at least she's not here, _she thought.

* * *

End Chapter 7, porque the writer no quiere escribir más. 


	8. Biology

Biology

**Disclaimer:** The use of "your mom" jokes in the following chapter are used to insult only Gertrude and her mother. I'm sure, readers, that all of your mothers are not like Gertrude's and are, in fact, wonderful people that only want the very best for you. I apologize for any offense you may have interpreted, and to Queen of Duct Tape for totally ripping off the disclaimer on her Death Eater Files #12. (But it's too darn good and I'm too lazy to make up my own.)

* * *

A few weeks after Melody's attempted murder, Gertrude found herself back at home doing nothing, like she usually did. Except for her parents, she hadn't seen anyone, let alone torment.

"Meh." Gertrude croaked from her Scandinavian-imported mattress.

"Gertie? Do you need something? Wanna go get a tattoo?" asked her father.

"Tattoos are itchy. You know how painful gluing them on is." Gertrude explained, completely oblivious to the fact that tattoos are punctures in skin that are filled with ink and are put on by a needle, not glue.

Just then, something red and spiky flew in from outside and shattered Gertrude's window. The piece of paper attatched to it ripped off and fell to the floor.

"Hey, this is a red spiky thing! And a piece of paper!" Gertrude cheered. "Yay! P-A-P-E-R! Yay!" She did her victory dance, which involved hopping around on one foot and giving herself a wedgie. She had done this since she was about four and a half.

As she hopped around, she accidentally stepped on the paper, and then she fell and scratched her face on a piece of glass. "Hey, where's my paper?" she asked herself as she carelessly got up off the floor. A corner of the paper was folded in between her toes. She pulled it out and examined the red scribbles on it.

"_Hey, if this is Gertrude… eh, whatever your last name is… meet me over at Professor Chang's place. The dude had a stroke and died, so it's not like anyone's going to be there. Anyway, I got something to show ya. Might help with breaking your pal outta jail._

_Catch ya later, babe_

_Red X"_

"X's can't be red. They're a letter of the alphabet." Gertrude said after reading the note. She ran downstairs and out the door.

"Hey, honey, I think Gertrude's going to go get a real job." Gertrude's father said after looking up from a newspaper from last November. "And look! There's a Thanksgiving sale down at Glen's! Let's go!"

"There's a SALE? Wait- don't we own Glen's?" Gertrude's mother asked.

"…Yeah, I think we do. Let's go anyway!" Gertrude's father grabbed his keys and dashed towards the garage.

"I can't run in tennis shoes, dear! They weren't made for running!" Gertrude's mother followed.

It was after sunset when Gertrude made her way to Professor Chang's, even though the drive wasn't very long. She ended up circling Titans Tower about thirty times before she went in the right direction.

When she finally got to the door, a slender guy in a black suit was looking more homicidal than Melody did. His white mask shone in the moonlight, outlining the red X across the bottom of his face. "Hey kid, what took you so long?" he asked coolly, despite the face that his fists were clenched tightly, as if he was going to punch her in the face.

"Eh, lost control of me Hummer." Gertrude shrugged, hoping her fake Scottish accent would throw him off.

It didn't. "Enough with the accent. It's horrible. Anyway, wanna take a peek at what I got?" Red X opened the door to let her in.

"Okay!" Gertrude skipped happily past the stranger, hoping her girly act would throw him off.

It didn't. "Really, this is getting annoying." Red X flipped over her and landed right in front of a huge wooden box. "Now," he explained, "this is the stuff I use to keep my suit activated. It's pretty powerful, so don't mess with it too much. It's called Xinthonium, and it'll-"

"Why are you Red X? Shouldn't you be Red XY?" Gertrude interrupted.

"Huh?"

"Red XY. You're a guy… right?"

"Yes…" Red X replied, his temper slowly rising.

"Well-this is the only thing I remember from high school-since you're a guy, and you have an X chromosome from your mommy, and a Y chromosome from your daddy, and girls only have 2 X chromosomes, you should be called Red XY. Or, if for some reason you have an extra chromosome, you can be Red XYY. Or Red XXY- hey, is that even possible? My biology teacher never talked about it, so I don't remember… he was stupid. He said humans have 46 chromosomes! Isn't that funny?" Gertrude laughed.

"…Humans DO have 46 chromosomes…" Red X glared… sort of. It was hard for Gertrude to tell.

"Oh. Well, I always thought humans had 8 chromosomes. Or was that the number of birthday cakes I can shove down my throat? Cake's good. It's like… spongy…" Gertrude began rambling to herself.

"**_YOUR MOM IS SPONGY!_** AND YOU'RE STUPID! I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU ANY XINTHONIUM NOW! Now get back to discussing biology, it's fascinating. You should be a teacher."

"I can't." Gertrude said.

"Why not? You know a lot about genetics."

"I don't know how to fill out a job application. I don't remember my address."

"From what I've heard, I thought you lived there your whole life…right?" Red X asked.

"Yeah, but I still don't know my address. Or my phone number."

"O…kay…" Red X just stared at her.

"Yeeeeeah… so how bout them chromosomes?" Gertrude smiled.

The two of them then spent the rest of the night discussing pedigrees, dominant and recessive alleles, and Gregor Mendel. It was definitely not a productive evening.

"Wow, honey, check out all the stuff I got on sale! This is the best Thanksgiving ever!" Gertrude's father squealed as he tossed his bags into the trunk of their stretch limo.

"Oh, let me call Gertie!" Gertrude's mother took out her cell phone and began dialing. She stopped for a second. "Honey, it's not November. It's the middle of April."

"Oh, SNAP!" Gertrude's father gasped. "Thanksgiving's in April now? Then what's in November?"

"Valentine's Day!" Gertrude's mother cheered and did her victory dance. Unlike Gertrude's, this victory dance involved disco dancing upside down. And usually the subsequent arthritis pain.

"You know, you should try Gertrude's dance. You'll lose about thirty pounds." Gertrude's father suggested.

"Nah, I like being anorexic. Weighing 80 pounds is fun. If only I were taller… then I'd be Super Stick Lady! Yay!" Gertrude's 5'3"mother replied.

"Just get in the car, sweetie. We have to make breakfast in about an hour." Gertrude's parents drove off into the sunrise.


	9. Stalkerazzi

Stalkerazzi

* * *

Gertrude was bored. She had had enough of annoying people for a while, so she decided to go waste some of her parents' money. Like most filthy rich girls, she usually blew a few thousand dollars at one store in one day. However, unlike said filthy rich girls, she blew it at Wal-Mart. And spent it on items such as Post-Its, sharpies, duct tape, laundry baskets, ice cream, and a giant bouncy ball. Because everyone needs a giant bouncy ball.

On her way to the check-out line, she suddenly had an idea. She abruptly turned her cart around, ran into a pregnant woman with three kids behind her, apologized, ran her cart down the aisle as fast as she could, turned slightly to the left, and found a digital camera.

"Goodness me, I seem to have found a really expensive digital camera!" Gertrude shouted. Several people turned around and gave her dirty looks.

"Dude, this is Wal-Mart. Everything's cheap. Even their employee benefits are che- HEY!" A younger boy was being dragged out of the store by his mother. "They're watching us, honey. Don't say anything about their management problems or we'll get kicked out like last time."

Gertrude examined the camera box and put it in her cart, though it was more of a drop, as if she had been dangling it from a second-story window. She turned back towards the check-outs, paid for all of her stuff, left, shoved the stuff in her trunk, put on a dirty blonde wig, took the camera out from the pile of plastic bags, and went back in. She was going to have a little fun with the middle-class Americans in Jump City's Wal-Mart.

Gertrude situated herself in a "clever" hiding place (behind the return/exchange counter, where there already was a cashier on duty). "Hi, I'm… Henrietta. I like cameras," she said to the cashier. "Do you know what this word means?" she asked, pointing to the label underneath the screen of her camera.

"Flash." The cashier scowled. "That short bright light that goes off when you take a picture? Are you a tourist or something?"

"No. I live in Canada" was Gertrude's meek reply.

"Whatever. Hey, what are you doing behind the counter? You're not an associate." The cashier pushed Gertrude out. "I'm getting the manager. You're in big trouble, Hilary."

"Gert-_Henrietta!_" Gertrude corrected, nearly blowing her cover.

"Whatever. _Attention Wal-Mart associates, please call the manager; we have a code lemon on our hands!"_ the cashier said into the intercom.

"Oookay, time to go." Gertrude fled, running full speed ahead into the glass door. "THE WORLD IS FLAT! NOOOOOO!" Her muffled screams nearly cracked the glass. Eventually she figured out that she couldn't move and had to OPEN THE DOOR in order to get out. The people that came in gave her even dirtier looks than the people by the electronics. Gertrude merely stuck her nose up in the air and marched out the door.

In the parking lot was a scrawny old man holding a cane with a funky red gemstone on it. "Say it with me, lil' girl. They're not elevators, they're _liiii-iiifts._ You Yankees botched up the English language, you did!" he said. The little girl began to cry.

"Hey, you're one of those creepy old guys that stalk teenage girls on the Internet!" Gertrude snapped at him.

"Oi! Me name's Moddy and I don' even _like_ little girls like yourself. How dare you insult me like that?" Mad Mod snapped.

"Ooh, yeah, my bad. Sorry. Why don't we… try that again? Hi, my name's Gertrude." Gertrude said, saluting like a dork.

"All right, then. 'Ello there…uh… guvnah… Mad Mod replied, reading off a cue card.

"Eh, you read off cue cards? Pathetic." The little girl laughed.

"'Ay! I only read off cue cards when I'm introducing meself as bein' a civilian." Mad Mod glared. "Now, if I were to try to take over your lil' city here, then I'd toss the cue cards out and improvise a long speech, you see, mah duckie?"

"Quack." Gertrude piped up.

"Uh… sure…" the little girl said as she ran to catch up with her mother.

"Now, uh, where was I?" Mad Mod asked, shuffling around in a circle.

_Flash. _"Is it working yet?" Gertrude asked.

"_OI! TURN OFF THE FLASH, DEARIE! YOU'RE BLINDIN' ME!"_ he shouted, covering his squinted eyes.

_Flash._ "Is it working yet?" Gertrude asked again.

"YES, YES, _JUST TURN OFF THE FLASH!"_ Mad Mod repeated.

_Flash. _"Is it working yet?" Gertrude asked _again._

"**_FOR THE LAST TIME, YES, THE CAMERA IS WORKING JUST FINE! NOW TURN THAT BLASTED FLASH OFF BEFORE I GO BLIND!"_** Mad Mod's face was purple with anger.

_Click. _"I think I broke it- oh, wait, no I didn't. This was fun, Mr. Moddy. Now I must go upload this to your fake MySpace OHCRAPIJUSTBLURTEDOUTMYPLANgottagobyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!" Gertrude sprinted towards her car, her wig sliding off somewhat. She literally hopped into her car and sped off towards the stoplight.

"Aye, that was odd. Now why was I here? Oh, well, I better go find me car-"

SPLAT

Mad Mod was cut off by the giant foot crashing down on his spine, driveling him into the ground.


	10. Fangirl

Fangirl

NOTE: This one's a little short because I wrote it in Health class and I was running out of paper and too lazy to rip out another piece. However, I have compromised. You'll see.

* * *

After the parking lot incident, Gertrude's parents made her take a little vacation. They dropped her off at the airport, where her plane was just about ready to board passengers. It was about 1:00 in the morning, so security was lazy and didn't really care if even a bomb went off in front of their faces. Gertrude sprinted past security, her suitcase cluctched in her paste-colored arms, her flip-flops making the most ANNOYING clacking noises EV-AR. Businessmen glared at her and swore in foreign languages she couldn't understand. "No hah-blow angry laptop dude." Gertrude snapped.

"Attention: Flight 243 to Wellington now boarding."

"Add-i-ose!" Gertrude sprinted even faster.

Not many people were in line to board the plane, so she decided to annoy the flight attendant.

"Tickets please," the flight attendant said.

"See my ticket, made of paper, mess with me… uh… do you know a good word that rhymes with paper and is a synonym for 'butt'?"

"Oh, God, not _another_ one." The flight attendant slammed her head down on the desk.

"That's not healthy." Gertrude pointed out.

"**_JUST GET ON THE PLANE AND LEAVE ME ALONE_**!" The flight attendant snapped.

Surprisingly enough, Gertrude didn't annoy anyone on the plane. She was asleep.

* * *

When she got to Wellington, the first thing she did was crash her hotel room and cause all sorts of chaos for everyone else on her floor. After the exterminators left and it was safe to go back in, Gertrude went in and began jumping on the furniture. This immature behavior went on for several hours.

The next morning, Gertrude walked out to the cliffs and saw Argent. Argent was flying around in circles, examining any cracks that might cause rocks to fall.

"HI! I LIKE CHEESE!" Gertrude shouted as Argent came her way. Argent fell and landed on her knees in the grassy bush.

"Did you _have_ to do that?" she asked, getting up. Gertrude thought for a moment. "Yes."

"Why?" Argent asked.

"I'm your fangirl." Gertrude grinned.

"Ooooookay." Argent said, not convinced.

"OK. Bye, Argent."

* * *

"So you're telling me that you flew ALL THE WAY to Wellington, New Zealand, just to tell Argent that you LIKE CHEESE?" Melody asked over the phone.

"Yeah." Gertrude answered.

"You're a sad, strange little girl, you know that? Oh, crap, the warden's coming. Time's up-" The line went dead.

"I'm not a sad, strange little girl. I'm almost 24." Gertrude muttered as she smoothed out the wax on her dummy of Argent, sitting on top of the shrine.


	11. Author

Author

I haven't decided who else to annoy yet in my story, so I decided to do, well, me. Why not? It's my story and my birthday is in about two weeks. My ego needs a little inflation. Besides, I'll pop it with a needle afterwards. This chapter is mostly a recap chapter, plus you get to see the REAL me! Bwahahaha. Call me selfish, but I promise to amuse you regardless of my motives. Because now I feel bad and feel the need to make it up to you readers.

* * *

"Yeah, and that's why I think you and Raven make an excellent couple. Don't worry, people think you belong with Bumblebee and Raven with Beast Boy. Yeah, I know it's weird. Where do they get these bizarre ideas? Don't worry, they're just opinions. And you know what's worse is that people pair REAL people with each other. Oh, hang on, Cyborg, there's someone at the door. Call ya later. Bye!" I got up out of my chair and slowly went to the door. (Why can't people LEAVE ME ALONE?)

"Hi!" As I unlocked the door, it flew open and nearly knocked me down. "Hey, be careful!" I snapped as Gertrude insisted at making herself at home.

"Hey, whatcha doing?" she asked.

"Uh, wondering WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN MY ROOM instead of BOTHERING A TEEN TITANS CHARACTER?" I tried giving her my best evil glare. Apparently I looked drunk because she said, "Hey. You look drunk!"

"I'm NOT drunk. I'm not even old enough to drive. And I won't explicitly say my age on the Internet." I pointed out, showing her the date of my birthday.

"Wow, you're kinda weird about details, aren't ya?" Gertrude giggled.

I turned away from her and towards you, the reader. "Should I tell her that I made her up; therefore, DUH?"

I turned back at Gertrude and said exactly what I told you: "DUH!"

Gertrude didn't seem to notice. "Hey, what's that on your desk?" She pointed to my notebook, which was open to a doodle of Gertrude in green gel pen.

"That, my doppelganger, is you. Sort of. It never looks the same on paper than it does in my head. So you have messier hair in my doodle than in my actual depiction of you in my mind." I hoped she'd understand.

She didn't. "ERROR. ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE. 404 ERROR. Bzzt!"

"Knock it off, moron. You ripped that off the Internet." I was annoyed by my own creation. Embarrassing.

"You ripped that off the Internet, not me." Gertrude pointed out. I sulked. She was actually right for once in the past 3 chapters.

"OK, so, hi. How'd you come up with the ideas you did? Where did all my dialogue come from? WHY AM I NAMED GERTRUDE!"

"Hey, hey, hey, Gertrude, one question at a time! OK, where can I start? Oh, you know how you were talking about Biology with Red X? Well, turns out I didn't know what Kleinfelter's syndrome was, so I made you not know what Kleinfelter's syndrome was. Then the next day my biology teacher taught us about it. Which then I can't rewrite your dialogue because of… technical things."

"Oh, OK. Uh… where did my name come from?" Gertrude was getting annoyed. Good.

"Hang on, I'll get there in a second. You know what's funny about Melody? She was my first original character for Teen Titans, and I've redesigned her about 10 times or so. But she's always been the same."

"But what about-"

"This story was originally about Melody, shockingly enough-"

"BUT WHAT ABO-"

"_SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING_!"

"**_TELL ME WHERE MY NAME CAME FROM! YOU RAMBLE TOO MUCH!"_** I think I made Gertrude's brain explode. Oh, well. She didn't seem to be affected.

"O-KAY. FINE. I WILL TELL YOU WHERE YOUR NAME CAME FROM. But it's kind of a long story. K?" I waited for her to sit down and stop wetting herself. There's a disgusting stain on my carpet now. Oh, well, I'll blame the dog.

"F-fine." Gertrude sat down in her… puddle. It made squishy noises. Ew.

"Good. Well it was one fine day in the springtime and we had group picture day at my school. The photographer was this really old guy who gave us each a weird name when we sat down in position. I had three pictures that day, so the first time he called me Henrietta-"

"So THAT's where my alter ego came from!" Gertrude grinned.  
"…yeah. Guess what he called me the second time."

"Gertrude?"

"Yep."

"SQUEEEEEEE!" She began skipping around my room in her filthy damp skirt, which was even MORE disgusting.

"SIT DOWN, YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK! And my mom is going to kill you, after she freaks out and wonders who you are."

"But it's awesome to be named Gertrude. Or Henrietta. Is either of those your real name?"

"My name is Allison."

"Oh." Gertrude said, disappointed. "Hi, Allison."

"Shut up."

She did. For a moment. "ALLISON ALLISON ALLISON ALLISON ALLISON ALLI-"

"**_STOP SAYING MY NAME!"_** I don't like it when my privacy is invaded. Least of all by one of my own doppelgangers.

"Fine. Neko."

"Where did THAT come from?" I asked, totally caught off-guard.

"I dunno." Gertrude admitted.

"Good." I said.

"Whaddya mean 'good'?" Gertrude snapped.

"Just shut up." I'm bored already of her. I can't imagine how the Teen Titans feel dealing with her.

"OK."

"Hey, wanna hear more stories?" I asked, trying to relieve the awkwardness of the situation.

"No." Gertrude began snoring.

"OK." I went downstairs to get the Little Green Machine and clean up Gertrude's mess.

My mom just so happened to be sitting on the couch with Annie, the little dog. "Could you stick Lily (the big dog) outside?"

"Not right now. I have to clean up. My trash can is leaking." I lied. I got the Little Green Machine out of the closet and back upstairs.

* * *

"Gertrude, you better not… Gertrude?" As I came upstairs, I noticed something odd. My door was wide open. I never leave my door wide open when I'm home. Next thing I noticed was that Gertrude was gone. Most importantly, her mess was gone. There wasn't any trace of a stain. Weird.

I sat back down at my desk and recorded my experience with Gertrude, which ends right… now.


	12. Public Display of Affection

Public Display of Affection

Disclaimer: I don't know how much longer I'll continue to write this story, so I'll probably end it at 13 chapters. Meh, I'm kinda losing interest in Teen Titans… I hate losing interest in stuff. And the blonde girl is "Terra" from Things Change.

This chapter is dedicated to all the kids at my school that think it's appropriate to make out with each other in the hallway, particularly in front of me in the lunch line. It's disgusting. Get a room. Please.

Oh, and American Idol and Chris Daughtry do not belong to me. But it would totally rock if they did. Chris awesome. Taylor Hicks is awesome too. (Soul Patrol!)

I should really shut up now.

* * *

After a few sedentary weeks involving TiVoed episodes of American Idol and drooling over Chris Daughtry, Gertrude decided to get back up on her feet and mingle with the students of Murakami High. "Yeah, it'll be fun," she explained to Melody over the phone.

"Freak." Melody bluntly replied and hung up.

"Wow, I guess prison really does make you emo. Oh, well, I better get going." Gertrude packed up her (empty) messenger bag and drove over to the school.

It was lunchtime. Perfect timing. The kids were all sitting out on the grass, watching everyone that drove by the front gate. One girl in particular was reading through her geometry notes. Gertrude parked her car in the front parking lot and decided to visit her.

"Hi, I'm Gertrude." Gertrude offered her hand out for a handshake.

"Uh… I don't think people are allowed to just randomly come up to students during lunchtime." The blonde girl continued to flip through her notes.

"So? Aren't you going to say hello- hang on a second, would ya?" Gertrude spotted a couple making out behind the gatepost.

"Oi! Lip-suckers!" Gertrude shouted.

The couple broke apart. "Like, what was, like, THAT for?" the girl snapped back. She began flipping her black hair behind her ears.

"Yeah, dude, what was that FOR, dude?" the guy added.

"A couple of things. One, you make me feel stupid. Two, PDA much?" Gertrude pointed out.

"Leave them alone, you freak." The blonde girl shouted from her spot on the grass.

"I AM NOT A FREAK! I AM A COLLEGE DROPOUT." Gertrude shouted back.

"Why does that matter?" the blonde asked.

"What's your name?" Gertrude asked back.

"Answer my question."

"Answer MY question."

"Freak."

"Blonde."

"SECURITY!" the blonde shouted. Two security guards came bursting through the doors.

"What's the problem, miss?" one of them asked.

"That psycho woman. She just popped up out of nowhere and started to annoy me." the blonde pointed to Gertrude.

"Yeah, she, like, TOTALLY interrupted us making out, too!" the other girl shrieked.

"Ma'am, you do realize Murakami High has a strict no-visitors policy, and so we have to ask you to – wait, you two were WHAT?" The second guard abruptly turned around to the couple.

"Nothing!" The girl squeaked.

"Uh… huh. Well then," the other guard turned to face Gertrude. "You're going to have to leave, ma'am. Have a nice day." The two guards pushed Gertrude out to the street.

"Ooh, fireworks!" Gertrude suddenly spotted a box of fireworks in the window of the shop across the street. She jaywalked and went inside.

"Can I have those fireworks? Please? Please? Please?" Gertrude was hopping up and down in front of the cashier.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, only if you're over the age of 18. I need to see your I.D." The bored cashier said. Gertrude obliged, pulling out an Official Jump City Cheesecake Baker™ identification card. The cashier tossed the box of fireworks over the counter, snapped, "Now get out, I wanna watch my soap opera," and blew a wet raspberry at Gertrude.

"OKbye." Gertrude sprinted out the door and went back home. It was going to be a very fun weekend. Oh, yes it will. Bwahahahaha. (cough, cough, hack, cough) Bwahahahahahahahaha! Gertrude viciously tore through the box and pulled out the fireworks. "Now what should I do with this? Oh! I know!" She ran upstairs and sat down at her desk, designing her outlasndishly gaudy plan.


	13. The NotSoGrand Finale

The Grand Finale

Yep, it's the end. I've dragged this story out for a long time, and I think it's best that I don't abandon it. So, yeah… this is it. But don't worry, it'll be great.

* * *

"Fireworks, fireworks! Oh, how I love thee fireworks! Fiiiiii-iiirrre… _WOOO-OO-OO-RRRRR-RRRRKS_!" Gertrude sang as she took her fireworks downstairs. Her parents were at "work", which meant they were really partying at a bar at noon. Gertrude went across the empty living room and went outside, looking for the best place to shoot off her annoying TNT. Since her house was in downtown Jump City, anyone from any part of the city could see and hear them go off. Gertrude took out a box of matches she swiped from an unsuspecting girl Gertrude insisted on calling "Becky" and set the fireworks off. Just as she planned, they were so loud that even the busiest part of town could hear them perfectly. This, of course, drew an angry mob out of the whole situation.

The angriest person, however, was probably Slade, seeing how he fired missiles back. One missile hit Gertrude's house, causing it to explode. The angry civilians raided the remains.

At the bar, Gertrude's parents immediately called her cell phone. "Honey?" Gertrude's mother asked. "Are you OK?"

Gertrude at this point was driving away in her Hummer, skidding from left to right across the road in reverse. "Yeah, I just shot off fireworks and now our house is destroyed. Everyone hates me!" She began to bawl.

"Sweetie, don't cry. It's OK. We can move back to the Uplands if you want." Gertrude's dad said.

"OH no! NO no no no NO NO NO!" Gertrude and her mother shouted at the same time. Gertrude had crashed into a fire hydrant, so her car is now stuck floating on top of the spewing water. "Uh… this isn't good," she said.

"What's wrong, Gertrude?" her mom asked.

"I'M STUCK ON TOP OF SOME WATER BECAUSE I HIT A HYDRANT!" Gertrude shouted.

"OK, calm down. Are you in neutral?" Gertrude's dad pretended to be smart.

"No. I'm in reverse."

"Sorry, then, I have no idea what to do." Gertrude's dad sighed.

"WHAT? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LET ME DIE UP HERE? _WHAT KIND OF PARENTS ARE YOU_?" Gertrude screamed.

"We're not your parents." Getrude's mother explained.

"Huh?"

"Your real parents died shortly after you were born. We're just figaments of your imagination. You were born and raised in the Uplands, but we "found" you at Foster's. You went to college at Shiz, and we all have lived in Jump City ever since." Gertrude's father explained.

"OK, but why didn't I know this?" Gertrude, still confused, asked.

"Because you're kinda stupid, sweetheart." Gertrude's mother reassured her.

"That explains the dunce hat." Gertrude took out a crappy dunce hat out of her glove compartment. "What do I do now?" she asked.

"Let life take you wherever you need to be. We will die as soon as this conversation's over, so even though we don't technically exist, we love you. Don't let anything get in your way. If it does, try not to trip over it. OK?" Gertrude's mom explained.

"Uh… sure. I love you too. Both of you." Gertrude began to cry even more.

"Goodbye, Gertie." Her father said.

"Goodbye, Gertrude." Her mother repeated.

"Goodbye, Mom and Dad." Gertrude sniffled. The line went dead.

True enough, both of Gertrude's parents dematerialized and vanished, their lack of work done.

Gertrude, on the other hand, immediately stopped crying and yanked the stick-shift into neutral. The water did not go down as she had hoped. Instead, it only went higher. "Thanks a LOT, Dad." Gertrude snapped.

An unusual shadow hovered over the floating Hummer. Slade had been busy after Trigon was defeated, as he had not only built a robot version of himself, he had also built a giant hovercraft. Said hovercraft was hovering over said Hummer. Slade took out a megaphone and began yelling at Gertrude. "You stupid girl! Your fireworks ruined my work! Now I have an awful sound coming from it and it won't stop. Be gone and never come back!" The hovercraft went away after Slade made a small dent on the roof of the Hummer by dropping the megaphone on it. It landed in the water and began to short-circuit.

The water level from the hydrant slowly decreased as Gertrude floored the gas pedal. "GO FASTER!" she shouted. It only got slower as the gas tank became completely empty.

Gertrude sulked and set her feet on top of the steering wheel. As soon as she set her right leg up, she and her car completely vanished. Gertrude found herself tossing and turning around her entire car, and then she woke up in a classroom.

"Hekkie's going to _love_ this one." A strange blue-haired girl giggled. The rest of the kids laughed along with her.

* * *

I apologize for the slight OOCness of Slade. I thought he was a little too shouty, but it worked.

As another disclaimer, I have a habit of crossing the same character over to different fandoms, but it's almost always for humor. I used to do it for my own Mary Sue when I was little, but now I take it as a joke.

So… the end! There will be plenty more Gertrude humor in the future, so don't worry about that. Gertrude forever!


End file.
